


Treasure Type Q

by Nary



Category: Order of the Stick
Genre: Androgyny, Awkward Conversations, Banter, Comedy, D&D Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Drunken Confessions, Flirting, Gender Issues, Magic, Nerdiness, Other, Rejection, Sarcasm, Sexual Harassment, Sexual Humor, Tavern, Yuletide, Yuletide 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-14 07:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/pseuds/Nary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey ears," he said to his androgynous companion.  "Did I ever tell you I have a Rod of Wonder?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Treasure Type Q

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mistress_scarlett](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=mistress_scarlett).



> Many thanks to my husband for beta services, and for many hours of gaming-related innuendo.

Belkar wasn't sure how he'd gotten stuck in the demi-human stag party while the humans all got hot dates - yet another example of systematic discrimination, keeping the little guy down. New Year's celebrations in Azure City were pretty jumpin', he'd give them that, but the company sucked. Durkon was wheedling with the bartender for a discount if he bought an entire cask of ale instead of paying for it by the pint, and Vaarsuvius just sat there nursing a glass of some fruity blue wine. He couldn't go mug any drunk passers-by without activating his stupid mark of stupid justice, and his chances of scoring were lower than low. And he was getting bored, and maybe a bit drunk, and maybe a bit curious. That's what he would tell himself later, anyway.

"Hey ears," he said to his androgynous companion. "Did I ever tell you I have a Rod of Wonder?"

The elf looked suspicious. And dubious. "I harbor serious doubts about the veracity of your claim."

Belkar shrugged. "It's not like the time I asked if you could cast Mordenkainen's Lubrication for me because my hand was getting blistered, I swear."

"As I informed you at the time, there is no such spell..."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyone ever tell you you've got no sense of humor?"

"Yes," said V calmly. Evidently among elves, that wasn't considered an insult.

"But seriously, I do. It's pretty freakin' Wonderous. I could let you hold it, if you wanted, see what comes out..."

"If you possess such a powerful item, why have you never used it?"

Belkar rolled his eyes. "I may be chaotic, but even I recognize that something that has an equal chance of turning my enemy to stone or spraying them with butterflies isn't my best choice in combat."

"...Yes, I suppose that makes sense."

"Why do wizards make such stupid items, anyway?"

V sighed. "High intelligence is not necessarily correlated with high wisdom."

"I guess that explains the Codpiece of Comeliness and the Gauntlet of Fisting."

"Wizards are no more immune to lust than any other being. Some of them simply have... difficulty expressing it appropriately." The elf looked pained. "And in any case, those items are not officially sanctioned - merely system-compatible."

"Speaking of system-compatible," said Belkar with a leer, leaning closer, "you ever get it on with a halfling? I might be size Small, but where it counts, I'm Gargantuan."

V's eyes narrowed. "Even if I were not already mated, I would not 'get it on' with you if you were the last being alive." The elf's mouth curled around the words as if even speaking them was distasteful.

"Your mouth says 'no,' but your body says 'yes,'" Belkar said, rubbing his hand along V's slender thigh. He didn't know if the elf was male, female, or had one of those Girdles that neutered you like a Ken doll, and he didn't much care right at that moment. It had hands, and a mouth, and (he presumed) an ass tight enough to squeeze coal into Treasure Type Q, and that was more than he needed for a damn good time.

"My Shocking Grasp says 'no'," V retorted, and Belkar's body was rattled as the electricity zipped through him. Yeah, it hurt, but he still had time to wonder if it was kind of like throwing rocks at a girl to let her know you liked her. At least, that was how he did it...

When he managed to clear his head, the elf was standing. "Oh to be a druid, that I might cast Repel Vermin," V said coldly, and went to sit beside Durkon.

 


End file.
